73

Seventy-three.

One wife who is still as lovely as the day you first met.

Two granddaughters who are growing up as beautiful as their lola.

Three grandsons who are delightfully charming in differing ways.

Four grown up kids who strive their best to make their parents proud

Five months and four years since you said goodbye. 

But I'm still counting. At times, I still tear up in sadness. 

I still speak of you so people will remember, because I will never forget.

And I can never stop missing you. 

Have a blast in heaven Daddy. 

Today you would have been seventy-three.

치료 여동생을 chilyo yeodongsaeng-eul

In just a few days, my youngest sister will be leaving to study in South Korea. She will be away for a year and a half, to finish her Masters Degree. This entails a lot of sacrifice especially since this is the first time she will be away from our family this long, and especially since she will have to be away from her husband and daughter for more than a year.

The decision was probably the hardest to make but she keeps focusing on her family's future. She firmly believes that doing this will provide her family the financial security and the means to fulfill their dreams.

Now this brings me back to the sacrifices of the greatest man in my liife. He worked abroad to provide a better future for his children. He missed out on a lot of family celebrations; birthdays, Christmas, graduations, etc.  For 24 years, he lived mostly on his own, but bridging the gap with his family with phone calls and letters. His children are all professionals now, well-educated and independent, and forever thankful for their parents' sacrifices. 

The ending to this story was not a happy one, as the great man never got to experience the rewards of his sacrifices. He passed on, so suddenly, a few months from his homecoming.

Now my question is, "was all the sacrifice really woth it?" Do the college degrees, the dollar remittance, the balikbayan boxes, worth every minute spent away from the family?  I can never know how sad life must have been for the great man, as he never showed any regrets for his decision to stay abroad. Instead, he would dwell on the achievement of his children and delight them constantly with gifts.

These thoughts still cross mind, and each time, a pang of sadness and a prick in my heart will follow.

And that is why I have mixed feelings about my sister's leaving. A part of me is proud of her and excited for her new undertaking, but a huge part of me is sad that she has to go. A year and a half is not a long time, and there are different modes of communication to keep in touch. But nothing compares to presence. To being a first hand witness to family affairs, to being able to put your kid to bed, to hugging her just because you want to, to making a special meal for your husband or watching a Korean movie with him.

Dionne, I have tears in my eyes now, as I am writing this. Because I know I will miss you. Because despite our age and our personal circumstances, you still are my little sister. I promise to be there for Mommie more often and visit her weekly. I also promise to take Issie on special dates so she will have more stories to tell you. I promise to take the family out for dinner to places I know Joven will enjoy. But most of all I promise to be here for you anytime you need me.

Take care bunso.  Dangsin-eul salanghabnida.

To the Man I Love

I do not remember the first time we met, and I am quite sure I did not love you at first sight.
But over the years I learned to love you, and the feeling just grew and grew, and since then each day wasn't complete without seeing you.

I made you gifts, little tokens that were intended to make your realize, I was thinking of you all day, and that I was waiting excitedly until you come home.  And when you arrived, we would chat a little while you got dressed, and you would always ask me how my day was.  I would then tell you how my day had been, as if the course of my day was really worth telling.

After dinner weeknights were spent mostly in front of the TV, you would watch basketball or whatever series you followed, while I asked  little questions here and there, begging for attention. And when I got sleepy, you would always follow me to the bedroom and tuck me in.  Like in any movie cliche, you would cover me with a blanket and sing me to sleep.

At that early age, I knew and felt for sure, that you were the only man who would love me unconditionally.  I've made a lot of mistakes and disappointed you many times but your love never waned.  I was saddest when I felt I have wronged you and I was happiest when you felt proud of me.

Our last conversation was about the future.  I was talking about my career plans and how my decision to move would be good for me.  As usual, you were very supportive and told me to follow my heart. We also talked about your homecoming and how excited I was to spend more time with you.

Less than a week after that, you left for good, without saying goodbye.  And that moment, had been the greatest heartache for me.  I did not know how to pick my self up, because you were the only person who always did that for me.  But I had to deal with what was before me, and gathered all my strength to face that tragedy.

It's been four years Dad.  There has been a lot of difficult times but your love for me has kept me strong.  I do not brush away the tears when they well up; I do not hide the fact that I still cry when I think of you.  And I am not ashamed to admit that our love story did not end happily, because I know that you went off to a better journey.   And more importantly, no matter how abrupt our separation was, you left me with enough love in my heart to sustain me, all the years of my life.    

Happy Fathers' Day Daddy.  

An Open Letter to a Dear Friend

And so the saying goes, "when life gives you lemons, make some lemonade"...

Today you find yourself in a situation you did not choose, brought about by circumstances that you simply couldn't control. You feel bad, cheated and robbed of something you hold dear. 

Maybe it is difficult to understand things right now, but i believe that things will slowly turn out for the better from this point on. 

Maybe the anger comes from not being able to steer the course the way you want it, like what you have been used to for a long time. 

Maybe the sadness comes from realizing that no one was willing to fight for you, as the one person who did, has left so suddenly.

Maybe the fear comes from not knowing what lies ahead, or from realizing that change is inevitable. 

There is not much that we can do for you now. Neither your family nor your friends can put a stop to this nightmare. All we can do is cheer you up and cheer you on, because we know that you can arise victorious in the end. 

You are a fighter my friend, but most importantly you have a good heart. Use these traits to carry on, and you'll surprise yourself when you realize that the battle has been won. 

My only prayer is that you will continue to feel the love of those who matter, as this will be your best armor, your best defense.

In the meantime, lets put a jigger of vodka in your lemonade, and party on! 

Why do I blog?

I wrote this piece, years back when I started blogging.  Thought I'd repost here...

Why do I blog?

Is it to virtually immortalize my existence? Is it to make my humdrum life appear somewhat interesting? Is it to clamor for attention or aspire for literary acclaim? 

I write in my blog because I want to be a first-row spectator to my own life. I don’t care if people do not read my blog, or care if my entries are worth commenting on. 

I write in my blog because there are moments, which a few years from now will not feel as intense or as important. There are days, which I just need and want to remember. 

I write in my blog because there are life lessons I thought I learned but eventually forget. I need to review these learnings, for fear of failing again. 

I write in my blog because I want to dedicate some entries to people who have inspired, touched, amused, hurt, moved, taught, angered or cheered me; people who make me experience what being human is all about. 

I write in my blog because after days of tackling responsibilities, making decisions, making mistakes, winning arguments and everything else, I want to contemplate how I survived the battle. 

Yeah, that’s it. That is why.

Life begins again.

Halfway through my 40th year, I felt the sudden urge to blog again.  I tried logging into my old blog account (enhpadenaj.blogspot.com/) but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how.  I was able to read some of my old posts, and some of the emotions I felt when I was writing them, came back.  I was both laughing and teary-eyed as I read through and realized how my life has changed by leaps and bounds.  But I also realized that while my current situation is largely different from how it was back then, my beliefs, principles and values has remained.
Some of these, you probably heard already and I do not claim to be the author of it, but in the simplest way I can spell it out, these are the beliefs that I hold true to this day:

• Family is most important.  
• True friends are for keeps
• Hard work can be rewarding
• Love until it hurts, or even if it hurts
• Finding humor in every situation is a gift
• Travel as much as you can
• Always count your blessings and thank God every day

Maybe my next blogs will revolve around these thoughts as I continue my journey.  I hope to be able to blog more regularly now, so I can again chronicle each day of my life after turning 40.  After all, life has just begun.